SOL: Caught
Every once in a while, I try to take a purposeful break from blogging, for a day or a week or an indeterminate amount of time. Sometimes it's to focus on other things. Sometimes it's simply to get work done.
But mostly, it's because I get caught. I catch myself checking my blog "stats" to see how many people are reading. I catch myself wishing I had more followers... after all, "they" have 20, and I only have 11. I catch myself coveting more comments from readers.
So when I catch myself, I try to make myself take a break. (I don't always listen.) Because I don't blog for the attention (although I have to admit it's been a nice side effect). I don't blog so that others read me. I blog... well... okay. I never thought much about why I blog.
I suppose it started as one of those "if they can, I can." I did it just to do it. But it's more than that now. (I just realized this yesterday.)
I blog to be a writer. I have always dreamed of that - not just writing - being a writer. I wonder what it would be like to immerse myself in words all day long (maybe that's why I'm a language arts teacher?). I fantasize about novels or collections of short stories, even poetry, with my name on them. I long to write a regular column for people to read. I don't, and I don't think I ever will. But being a writer is more than getting published.
Being a writer means living with, embracing, taking on the challenge of words. (And oh, do I love words!) Being a writer means hours of work and practice and rewrites and finding accidental serendipity on a page. Being a writer means sharing life through words. Being a writer means carefully bending and shaping thoughts into coherence and sharing them. Being a writer means...
I know I have a long way to go on that front: I don't want to set myself up for rejection. My heart balks at the thought of criticism. I feel vulnerable. I am self-conscious. I doubt my abilities. I wonder if I can really do it.
Maybe I can. And maybe I can't. But here is my beginning.
"Goodbye"
Goodbye is a four-letter word
(said in haste)
mixed with sorrowful tears.
And ending - the unsettling grand finale -
often succeeded by only a smattering of applause.
Goodbye is a beautiful word
(said with care)
mixed with joyful tears.
A new beginning - the grand overture -
followed by a standing ovation.
mk
(originally written 6/21/05, edited 3/5/11)
Write - because there is no other choice, really. The thoughts are there and the compulsion to try to put them on paper (or on the computer) is as impossible to control as breathing. Even if no one reads those words but you yourself (sometimes the best audience), they must be recorded. Just think how many poems Emily D. had in her little trunk that no one saw.
ReplyDeleteI think that writing because one is compelled to, regardless of a response, is the best writing - is the writing that eventually becomes the stuff we teach.
You write well. Do not stop to doubt yourself.
Megan,
ReplyDeleteYou are a writer. Don't doubt your abilities. Your selection of words creates powerful images. Keep at it. Do it for yourself, no one else.
I took over a year break with my blogging. I am so glad that I am back though. I love writing for myself. I see something in me that I didn't see before. Writing is good for me and you. Great post and poem! Keep blogging!
ReplyDeleteBeautiful poem. I am a novice writer and my struggle is not feeling my writing is good enough. It also takes so long to get a few words down. I read other people's writing and think, "How do they do that? Their writing is good enough to be published now." Did they just whip this out in a few minutes?"
ReplyDeleteJust write. And -- give yourself a break. Write because you want to and need to. Block out all those internal voices that drown out and tear down your gift and dream. Think about it -- you wrote a poem, a beautiful poem -- such an achievement!
ReplyDeleteI think many of us have had all of the thoughts that you shared. We all want to be recognized, and I think the hard part is letting go of that-even if we know this desire isn't good for us.
ReplyDeleteI feel like I got a 2-for-1 deal with this post! The thoughts about being a writer - beautiful. inspired. so, very true.
ReplyDeleteAnd then the poem...I love the structure and the fact that it brought to mind all those times that I've experienced good-byes of both kinds you mentioned.
P.S. I too just checked my stats tonight...it's a compulsion, I swear!
I hadn't read today's blog yet when I complimented your blog this evening, so that was completely unsolicited feedback. I enjoy reading your blog because it's genuine. And because it encourages me, sometimes amuses me, and motivates me to get cooking : ) Thanks for sharing yourself in this way!
ReplyDeleteI was poking around on your blog and saw on your list: keep turning ugly things into nice things.
ReplyDeleteIsn't that sort of what we do when we write? We take a mess of stuff and turn it into something nice, something another person can appreciate in some way.
You accomplish that item on your list everytime you post :)