the sucky part

Yep, sometimes parenthood sucks. And this is one of those times.

I have to say that I have been fortunate to be able to breastfeed Lincoln with very few problems. Sure, there was pain and soreness (for me, the soreness comes and goes). Yes, my supply dipped when I started running again. But, for the most part, it's been great. I absolutely adore the extra special time I get to spend with him, especially on days when there are a lot of people around and that's about the only time I get to hold him.

I will say that I attribute my success in part to my determination. From the beginning, I said that I would do whatever it takes to have Lincoln continue to nurse. Yes, there were - and still are - definitely days I wanted to give up. Yes, it would have been easier to mix a bottle of formula when he woke up every two hours all day. Yes, it would have been nice to let a grandma feed him at night. No, I would rather not have had to pump when I went back to work for four days. But we made it through all of that.

And now...

The past couple weeks, Lincoln has had a really tough time sleeping. It's gotten progressively worse - from a little fussiness to screaming for up to an hour before finally giving in and going to sleep. We consulted the experts (including our parents and a book by a doctor whose other work we really like). We started working on a bedtime routine. I examined my diet. But none of this seemed to make a difference.

Then I switched our daily routine from eat-wake-sleep to eat-sleep-wake. This seemed to help a little bit, mostly in the morning. Yesterday was his four-month check up, and we talked to his doctor. She confirmed what we had suspected. The kid is hungry. Hungry beyond what I am able to provide right now. This was confirmed yesterday evening when he nursed, had a whole 5 ounce bottle, then another 3 ounces about an hour after that. It's worst in the evenings when my supply is lower. (He also might be teething, but who knows?!)

She wasn't concerned with his growth at all, even though his percentile weight dropped, and supplementing with formula never came up. Thankfully, I have been able to pump (at night when he was sleeping through) and have quite a bit of milk in the freezer. We can supplement with this for the foreseeable future. I'll be pumping after each feeding to try to increase my supply, so this will allow us to have a little extra for the stash.

We have also decided to start him on rice cereal this weekend. This was tough for me. I've been doing my research on solids - purees vs. whole food, delaying until six months, rice cereal as a filler vs. nutrition. But, ultimately, it comes down to doing what's best for Lincoln, not what I want. I trust his doctor (which is why she's now my primary care provider as well), who ultimately left it up to us after presenting it as an option. And I really do think that he is at the point where he's ready. He'll continue to get all the nutrition he needs from breast milk, but this will help fill up his tummy. It wouldn't be my first choice (breast milk only until 6 months), but it's the choice we're making now.

This is really difficult for me. (I'm tearing up as I type this.) Don't get me wrong - I am so glad that I have been able to be my baby's sole source of nutrition for four months. It's a pretty awesome feat. I am proud of that. Not even humbly proud. Just proud. But when your dreams and expectations and reality don't match it takes some adjusting. You'd think after everything we've been through with him I'd have learned... We'll see how the cereal goes.