I get it?

I will be the first to admit that, as much as I wish to, I do not have it all together. Not even close. But then again, I can't imagine that this comes as a shock to anyone out there.

My mind is a cluttered mess these days. I've been thinking about a lot. Like, can I really save money and buy post-consumer products? Are coupons worth the trouble and in which situations? Should I write a letter to the city council requesting curbside recycling? What if I don't have a full-time job next year? How can I become a better steward of what I have? Will basketball in Atown be better next year? Should we put more money toward paying off our student loans, at the expense of our savings account? What if I'm not accepted into my master's program? Will I really play piano as much as I think I would if we bought one?

And this is just the tip of the iceberg.

The questions (well, some of them) can sometimes be overwhelming. Lately, I've felt like I'm drowning in uncertainties, feeling desperate to strike a balance in my life - I'm holding on until spring break, when I have a few free moments to piece some thoughts into coherence, to take control of small elements of life.

Every once in a while, even in the midst of my questions, I "get it." I had one of those days recently.

Last Friday, I decided to stay in town after work for Brad's game. It was only a couple of hours, and it didn't pay to go home. So I ran by Dillon's to pick up a few things (like air freshener for my classroom - desperate by the end of each day full of sixth grade boys straight from PE) and waste a little bit of time. As I left, I was driving up Andover Road and glanced over at the Hallmark Store that's going out of business.

Briefly, the thought crossed my mind. Maybe I can find a really good deal there, in the 40% off sales. I could just go in and waste a few more minutes.

The I realized - good deal on what?! Junk?! Instead, I kept driving.

I'm sick of stuff.  It's cluttering my life. Weighing me down. Suffocating me.

Granted, we all need some things. We all want some things. (And I have to admit that I do think a healthy amount of "want" is okay, too.)

But there are clothes in my closet I don't wear anymore (and some I've never seen my husband wear). Shoes that hurt my feet too much to wear again. Cookbooks above the fridge that I have never opened. Books on the shelves that I will not likely read again (although giving away beautiful books is a little bit painful - nerd?).

Obviously, none of this is a new concept, not even to me. But it's gone to a whole new emotional level for me, and I'm not sure why. Stuff just makes me shudder. Maybe part of it is because it feels so good to feel in control of something right now, in the midst of the uncertainties.

I have to admit that maybe I'm taking that control to a new extreme. I've made a personal resolution to someday donate most of my future hypothetical kids' old books to teachers. I rifle through my side of the closet daily. I peek into boxes over and over to see if there's maybe one more thing I can just put in the garage sale boxes. I stack objects at the top of the stairs for my next trip down to the garage sale heap. I look up where to recycle old electronics and how to give away a computer or camera.

So unless it has a specific purpose, it's not coming through the door. It's not hopping a ride in my car. It's flying to the basement until our summer garage sale/great giveaway.

Can you really blame me, though? It just feels so liberating.

p.s. thank you all for the sweet and meaningful comments on my last few posts. crazy as it may sound, those do mean a lot to me.